We hope we don't offend anyone, but here are some of the jokes, sketches and pictures that have graced our Newsletter since 2000:

The pilot's girlfriend hung on every word he said, and when he spotted an aircraft flying high overhead, he said "that's the mail plane." She said "marvelous how you can tell from this distance." 

How to slice Christmas cake

The young mechanic arrived to pick up his girlfriend, a set of jumper leads around his neck with the clips holding up his trousers. He explained "My braces broke". The girlfriend accepted this explanation and then said "Oh well, OK, but don't start anything!" A wise man once said that every man should have a girl for love, companionship and sympathy "and preferably at three different addresses". Of course having a fourth girl whose place was big enough to store aircraft would be a bonus. A man telephoned an airline office in New York and asked: "How long does it take to fly to Boston?" The clerk said "Just a minute." "Thank you", the man said as he hung up. Did you hear about the pilot who died peacefully in his sleep? ... not like the 300 souls in the cabin behind him!

"Boy those electrics sure are quiet!"

The surgeon who retired from practise but soon got bored with retirement. So he enrolled in a TAFE course as an automotive engineer. At the end of year exams he was amazed to find he was given a mark of 110% so he challenged the teachers. The teacher explained: "Remember the written test, you answered everything perfectly and scored 50 out of 50. In the practical exams where you had to take an engine apart and then rebuild it, you again did flawlessly and you got 50 out of 50."  The surgeon replied: "OK, but that's still only 100 out of 100, how did I get the extra 10%?" The teacher explained: "You were the only one in the class that did it through the exhaust pipe!" A mother and her son were flying Qantas from Perth to Sydney (in seats 24E and 24F). The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "Why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So, the little boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The flight attendant asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" The boy said that she had. With a grin, the flight attendant said, "Tell your mother it's because Qantas always pulls out on time."

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”  “What do they say?” the priest inquired to which she replied “They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?’”  “That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”  The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say,  “Hi, we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?” One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!”  What's the difference between God and pilots? God doesn't think he is a pilot.  If God had intended for man to fly he would have given him more money.

"Quit complaining and put it down! ... You keep this up and I won't bring you out here anymore!"

An airline pilot and hotel guest were drinking in the hotel bar. Being a friendly sort the airline pilot asks, "whaddayoudo?" and the hotel guest explains that he's an inventor - in town to sell his latest gizmo.Airline pilot: "Really?"  Inventor: "Yes sir! It's an anti-gravity belt"  Airline pilot: "Now wait a minute - I'm a graduate of the Air Force Academy, fly F-16's with the California Air National Guard and I'm an FAA certified Air Transport Pilot and there ain't no such thing as an anti-gravity belt!"  Inventor: "Well; sir, how about we go to the roof and I'll jump off?" They proceed to the roof and the inventor demonstrates his anti-gravity belt - twice. Both times he floats back up and gently steps onto the roof.  Airline pilot: "My gawd! This is freaking incredible! It'll make airplane travel absolutely safe. Can I try it?"  The airline pilot jumps. A red splat marks his landing on the sidewalk below. The inventor returns to the bar.  Bartender: "Where's your buddy? Another jumper?"  Inventor: "Yup ..."  Bartender: "You know; when you drink, you've got a real sick sense of humor, Superman."

Overheard communication with the Tower:
1.  O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound." 
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight." 
2.  Lufthansa pilot in Munich to Tower in German "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"  Tower replied in English: "If you want an answer you must speak English."  The Lufthansa pilot then said in English: "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"  At that stage an unknown voice with a beautiful British accent said: "Because you lost the bloody war"
3.  The  DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the light and return to the airport." 
4.  After the Pan-Am flight landed in Frankfurt in 1947, Tower instructed the pilot to proceed to Gate A-17, but the pilot just stayed stationery on the runway. Tower got upset and said to the pilot "Pan-Am flight on the runway, why are you stopped on the runway blocking traffic?" The pilot answered "Please give me instructions how to get to Gate A-17?" By this time Tower was really upset and shouted back in a strongly accented English "Haven't you ever been to Frankfurt before?" Pan-Am replied "Yes, twice in 1944, but we didn't stop!"

Paddy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife Moira naked on the bed, sweating and panting.  "What's up?" he says.  Moira cries "I'm having a heart attack,"  Paddy rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Mick's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"  Paddy slams the phone down, storms upstairs into the bedroom, past the screaming Moira, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother Mick, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.  "You rotten SOB," screams Paddy, "Moira's having a heart attack and all you do is run around naked scaring the kids!" Paddy and Mick worked together in the factory and were both laid off. At the unemployment office, Paddy was asked his occupation. "Panty stitcher  .. I stitch the elastic in ladies' panties," he replied. Being unskilled labour, Paddy was given 100E a week. Mick replied,  "Diesel fitter", and since this is skilled work he was given 200E a week. When Paddy found out Mick was getting 100E a week more than himself, he was furious. He stormed back into the unemployment office and demanded to know why his mate was getting more moolah.  The clerk explained that panty stitching is unskilled work, whereas diesel fitting was skilled work. "What damn skill???" yelled Paddy ... "I sew the damned elastic on the panties. Mick puts them over his head and says, 'Yep, diesel fitter'".

A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 123, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!” Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in Economy was heard to say, “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine.
 
 

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon and she welcomed him into her parlour. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the pastor noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. To his shock and surprise, in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" and he pointed at the bowl.  "Oh yes," she replied, isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know ... I didn't have a cold all winter!"

The owner of this pharmacy walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the assistant “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?”  The assistant goes “Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative.”  The pharmacist goes “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!” The assistant goes “Of course you can! Look at him; he’s afraid to cough!” Heard on board just before take-off: * "This is a non-smoking flight, anyone found smoking will be requested to step outside" *: "We will now dim the cabin lights to make the flight attendants look better"  Heard on board shortly after take-off: "The 'seat-belt' sign is now turned off and you are free to move about inside the aircraft, we request that you don't go outside."